9/2/2021.

I had a most intense, vivid dream before the morning of my 49th birthday.

My partner and I were in our home, looking outside at people congregating for what appeared like a parade. Our home was a two story house. Nothing really formal, but comfortable, lived in. All of a sudden we were whisked away. What we had thought we were standing on a sidewalk was some kind of magic carpet, a conveyer belt. With no way of knowing how to maneuver it, we made the decision to jump off this speeding belt. Everything around us was chaos. People running in all directions. We ran into a building, thinking we needed some safe shelter. Up the stairs we went, onto a floor. There were people around, setting up various camps. We found a sofa with big cushions. My partner laid under the cushions like he was a child trying to hide from some unseen monster not realizing that he was clearly exposed. I was laying on top of the cushions, making something akin to a giant toppling sandwich. Someone came by to advise me to lay beneath – the cold would otherwise be unbearable. As I did so, I noticed a young girl. Instead of hiding and seeking shelter like most of us, she took out an Ipad, almost with a sense of defiance and started to read.

The next day, I started to think of the fate of my mom. Living alone, how would she be? Somehow, I managed to be magically transported to her house. Things in her house were in disarray, floor cluttered with books, clothing. To my great relief, I quickly found my mom and was met with a swift scolding. “What did I think would happen to her, she asked? All alone and with no one to care for her?” For a moment, I almost gave in to guilt. She was all alone and I hadn’t been there for her. Then I saw TiTi. “How was everything?”, I asked. She replied, “Everything was fine. Nothing happened. We were all safe. No one broke in.”

I looked at the scene with newly aware eyes. So this disarray wasn’t due to some nefarious entity breaking in and creating havoc. It was simply the way my mom lived.

“I had better leave”, I told my mom. “It’s close to curfew and it’ll be dangerous out if I leave later.” My mom scoffed, “You’re so stupid. Curfews are only during the weekend. There are no curfews on weekdays.”

I made my way back to my home. It was just as I had left it. Secure and safe. Nothing broken. Nothing disturbed.

The second part of my dream, I was in a concert hall. I saw a guy, my friend listening to music. I knew he was an aspiring musician, who loved music, who loved creating. In the background was some big name musician with his wife. At the start of the next song, my friend was ecstatic. He ran to the BIG name musician and pulled him over to the window. The musician indignant cried out, “Who are you? You don’t have a badge to be back here.” “Listen”, my friend said. They both listened. Moved, the musician thanked him. Thanked him for taking him back to the purity of music. Took him to be in the moment and be present for beauty. “What’s your name?”, he asked. “It’s Fisher”, my friend replied.

The third part of my dream, I was in a restaurant. My girlfriend told me she got me an audition to work in the restaurant. “All you have to do is make this soup. You got it, girl!”, she cried enthusiastically. She proceed to rattle off the instructions, “You blend the greens, you make the soup base with duck jus and stock. You already know this! The audition is this afternoon.”

Afternoon?! I won’t have time to practice! I’m going to fail! Overcome by anxiety and fear, all I could think of was failure, preventing failure, preventing the appearance of being incompetent.

And then I woke up.

“So what happened”, my partner asked. “What did you do?”

“I don’t know. I woke up.”

“Well, go back to sleep, and end the dream the way you want it to”

And so I did.

This blog is to chronicle my trials and tribulations as I go through and re-envision and recreate my life.

I lived most of life feeling numb, letting myself slide into situations because I didn’t know what I wanted and didn’t know how to ask myself.

Now is the beginning of the second half of my life, my next 50. I woke up and decided I CAN create a new ending to my life.

For most people, fifty is the milestone where retirement is in the horizon. For me, it’s just the beginning.