When I am in the midst of some difficult time in my life (like the whole year of 2022) I wonder how long this period will last. It seems to have no end and no easy solution and sometimes when I dwell on the sense of finality, I slip into fatalism, and the feelings of hopelessness creep in, and despair is quick to follow. In moments like that, I was far into the pit of despair that only someone else’s outside perspective could pull me out and remind me that life constantly changes. That nothing in life is permanent. The bad times will pass, just as the fair weather times. When we accept life as it is in this moment, we don’t struggle with wishing things were different. We accept that things are the way they are because past actions have brought us here. We can then understand, that “this moment is as it should be.” In accepting our present circumstances, we are able to maintain our mental calmness, our composure, our inner peace regardless of external events happening around us. We can preserve and redirect the energy that we could have previously spent in struggling with situations.
A friend once told me of a Chinese parable, paraphrased here as I remember it.
A Chinese farmer had a horse which he used to tend his fields. One day, the horse broke through the fence and ran away. Upon hearing the news, the farmer’s neighbors came over to express their concern, “What bad luck this is, you now do not have a horse during planting season”. The farmer, listened and nodded slightly and said, “Bad luck, good luck. Who really knows?”.
The next day, the farmer’s horse came back with two other wild horses. The farmer trained the horses to work the fields even more efficiently. The neighbors upon hearing about the arrival of the horses, hurried over, “What great luck this is! Now you have three good horses that can help you tend your fields even better!”. The farmer listened quietly without speaking, nodding silently and said, “Good luck, bad luck. Who really knows?”
The farmer decided to give one of the horses to his son. While riding it, the horse kicked the son off and the son broke his leg. The neighbors hearing about the injury came over and shared their concern, “What bad luck this is! Now, your son is unable to help you with your planting”. The farmer listened without speaking, nodding his head, quietly replied, “Good luck, bad luck. Who really knows?”
In the next week, the government’s soldiers rode through the village conscripting the young men for the army. The general’s order for the soldiers was to draft every able young man. The soldiers after seeing the farmer’s son, lame from his broken leg, passed him over service. The other families of the village bid their sons tearfully good bye, not knowing if they were ever to be reunited again. The villagers hearing the farmer’s son had been spared, ran over to express their gladness, “What good luck your family has! Your son was the only who was not drafted into the army!”. The farmer listened intently, quietly replied, “Good luck, bad luck. Who really knows?”
This parable teaches us lessons of acceptance and impermanence in life. Everything in life is transient and temporary and change is the only constant. When we hold on to anything, whether it be happy events or feeling defeated by hardships, we allow ourselves to be overly attached to what is happening and that will inevitably bring sorrow and suffering. While we think that only in retrospect can we see how one event is woven into other events and what meaning it has brought, the answer may not never come until the end of our lives, if it ever comes.
Looking back on the year after mom fell and me trying so desperately hard to persuade her to do what I believed was right for her, I can see how I spent so much energy struggling against those moments, feeling exhausted. I struggled against everything and everyone who was against my perspective and I was completed depleted by the end of each day.
The first step for my recovery was to accept the moment as it was. Accepting all the people and the circumstances as they presented themselves. Believing that, “this moment is as it should be” gave me tremendous relief. In fighting against what was happening, I had been fighting against the universe and the resistance seemed to only get stronger the more I struggled.
Once I surrendered to the situation and accepted the situation as it was, I was ready to see what was actually happening. I could then ask myself some hard questions. Understanding that all my actions had led up to this point, what could I learn from this situation? How was I responsible? Why are the people in my life the way they are, why are the circumstances the way they are?
I stopped defending my point of view. I realized that I had no idea whether I was really right or wrong in pushing my mom towards surgery. I wanted what was best for my mother and in my arrogance for thinking I knew best, I was forcing others to follow. In retrospect, my actions were highly arrogant and aggressive. No wonder my siblings resisted!
I redirected the energy that I spent struggling towards what I could change.
What I did change:
- I delegated someone better equipped and willing to give my mother care.
- I removed myself from potential conflicts to prevent opportunities where there could be distress, disharmony with others.
Accepting the situation meant first surrendering. And for someone competitive and tenacious like me, that was the biggest hurdle to overcome. Surrendering has the connotation of failure or loss and in this case, it meant losing my arrogance in believing I knew best for others, allowing other adults to make their own decisions and not judging them.
Failure or Success? Good luck or bad luck? I have no idea. I just know I’m the better for it today, living another day, lighter and happier.