We seem to have several typical solutions to manage our grief following a separation from our romantic partner. We harden our hearts, we distract ourselves with work, hobbies, etc, or we numb ourselves with alcohol, denial. The third more difficult way of coping is to accept our former love for what it was: imperfect, sometimes difficult, sometimes harmonious, and altogether beautiful for what it was when it was ours. And then remember that nothing is permanent and everything must end.

But when we end a relationship, we don’t just lose the person. We lose the life we had with that person, we lose the future that we imagined.

In the last seven months, I’ve revisited my memories of my last relationship almost daily. And more and more, I’ve come to understand why we were attracted to each other and some of the lessons we learned were almost identical. In each other, we found a version of ourselves that we wanted to become. We were learning to love ourselves enough to ask for what we wanted and needed from each other and our intimate relationship with each other served to model what we wanted from our other relationships, me with my siblings and my mother and he with his brother.

My struggle was learning to feel that what I wanted and what I needed was what I deserved. It all starts with how we feel about ourselves and it’s hard to assert what you want when I barely knew myself. I didn’t know how to make myself happy or fulfilled, how could I expect my partner to do it? It was an impossible task to give to my partner, a self fulfilling prophecy for failure. All I knew was that I wanted my life to be different but I looked outwardly for the other to transform me. Even when I didn’t know what I wanted, except that I just wanted something different, it felt wrong to leave everything behind and just follow my partner until I figured it out. When it was apparent our agendas were not aligned, I was too afraid to lose him to speak up and tell him what I wanted or needed. By then, I had confused him as well as myself.

I’m not moving forward from this relationship so much as moving sideways until I get my bearings again and there is no more insight to plumb from this relationship.

How does one become whole again when I feel like a part of myself has been left behind?