Eleven years ago, I gave advice to my friend who was contemplating moving to another country for a woman. I urged him to reconsider moving because of the likely outcome that he would be left heartbroken. With him making the sacrifices and compromises by moving, he would tip the power balance in her favor and he may eventually come to resent her. I’m not sure if my words convinced him but he didn’t go.

In summer of 2022, I found myself in a similar situation where I was willing and ready to quit my job, curtail my pension, and take on teaching English in a foreign country. All so that I could be together with the man with whom I was madly in love.

I had some wisdom back in 2011. But I ignored it in 2022. I was willing to make significant life changes to be with him. He had always maintained that he had his goal of teaching internationally. I was willing to go along in the beginning because at first I wanted to explore what this relationship could be, and then I was in love and wanted to be with him. Ironically, it was unbalanced in a way that he didn’t realize or at least couldn’t, didn’t acknowledge to me. Either I was to follow wherever he journeyed or the romantic love was gone. That didn’t sound like a partnership to me. Instead, it sounded like a power play. That as long as I adhered to the script he created, he was happy. He wanted the ideal – someone who had the same aspirations as he so that there would be no need for compromises or rather, no need for him to make any shift in his plans.

He supported me through emotional turmoil with my mother and sister and I relied on him for a majority of our time together. He was my coach, my cheerleader but he was also my friend, my lover. I have so much gratitude for what he gave me and for what we shared. But it’s not a debt to be paid back. It was an investment into our relationship. He supported me because he cared. Just as I would have supported him when he needed it.

In our human relationships, it’s best when we don’t keep scorecards of who gives what and when. Resentment too often builds because it’s impossible to keep track. Giving and receiving in relationships is inherently reciprocal not transactional. We’re talking about the ephemeral feelings of the heart that isn’t quantifiable. It’s not to say we give and give and hope to receive in return in the future. The best way to give is to not expect anything in return. Give what you can afford without losing your essence. Give with love. Otherwise, invest ourselves slowly. Give and receive, give and receive. Happiness is only achieved when we accept what is reality without expectations or hope.