It’s a horrible and terribly mundane title of this entry.

I once read a story of family of four who lost three members in the span of minutes. A dog ran into the surf at the beach. The young boy ran into the water to save it and was swept away by the current. The horrified father and mother, seeing their youngest child drowning ran into the water to save him. They too were pulled away by the same riptide. The oldest child, their teenage daughter watched from shore and was the only one who survived.

The dog chose to run into the surf. The young boy chose to run to save it. The parents chose to jump in to save their son. All choices that ultimately resulted in their deaths and all deaths were preventable.

I’m the daughter standing ashore seeing how there is something in the water that her family members can’t control. I’m not getting into the water and testing whether I have the wherewithal to handle a force of nature.

My mother is that current. I entered the water with the best of intentions to “save” her. I found myself sucked into the vortex that is beyond normal human control and with the last vestiges of my rational mind, suddenly find myself trying to save myself.

I give up. I can say that now. I tried. I tried really hard, not just since my mom fell but for most of my life to be there for my mom and my siblings.

And I got confused and nearly lost myself.

I’m throwing money at the problem now. I’m stepping away. My mom is better cared for by strangers, strangers who don’t have their own history of emotional and mental abuse, strangers who will feel pity and tolerance for her overbearing and manipulative ways. To best care for her is to remove myself from the position of receiving abuse at the hands of my mom and her agent. I’ve always known it. It’s why I moved away. It’s why I chose such a reliable and trustworthy partner to create my own safe space. My mom is not safe for me. Not sure if she ever was.

And my karmic debt to my mother? Paid in full.