Every morning before breakfast, I read my affirmations that line my wall and desk. For all my affirmations and I have a lot of them, sometimes I still doubt myself. The difference is that these days, I don’t perseverate as much or as long.
Last week I was dragging my feet on whether to continue on my personal journey. It didn’t help that Valentine’s was on Tuesday and the day after was the 3rd anniversary of the day my former partner and I had met. Needless to say, I had a very restless sleep.
It would be accurate to say that I didn’t imagine my life to be this way, being unpartnered at 50 and living with my sister. But then again, growing up, I didn’t dream about how I wanted my life to look like. I had no plan, apart from some amorphous desire to travel (alot) and eat well (alot) which I succeeded in doing beyond my imagination. I guess that’s why I am where I am right now — still figuring it out.
I’m dreaming a new story or at least the next few chapters of my story book life. One in which I have my own family, a supportive loving partner, and a career that is meaningful and adds value to the lives of others. All the other stuff I still desire and still want: a house overlooking the beach, financial abundance, a Manhattan apartment, house in Portugal, an electric car would be the material stuff that would be nice to have too. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not enamoured or measure my success in life by material “stuff.” I do like comfort and I do like eating well as I strive to live a meaningful life. And thank goodness, I’m easily contented.
But life is funny. You sometimes don’t get what you desperately want but instead you get what you didn’t expect and then realize it was actually what you needed. The universe turns out to be very harmonious and kind of sneaky that way. Even the twists where our lives turn makes sense, maybe not always at the moment but almost always in retrospect when with a bit of time and perspective, you’ve gained a bit more wisdom and suddenly you see how the dots connect.
Everyone is a beginner at one point in learning something new. Van Gogh once said, “I am always doing what I can’t do yet in order to learn how to do it”. Learning to live life better is a new set of skills I’m honing. I’m learning to love myself first, learning how to be a good partner when I meet my person, learning to learn.
You just have to start where you are, feel regret for the mistakes you’ve made and learn from them, and move forward. Even two steps forward and one step backward is better than standing still and going nowhere.