[Written in August 2023 and published in Oct. 5, 2023]

Three more weeks till the vipassana meditation retreat. I feel cautious excitement. I want to say I’m ready but I’m more nervous that something will crop up unexpectedly related to mom. Her recent hospitalizations are a sober reminder of what happened last June. After anticipating for months, I had to cancel my first attempt at attending the vipassana after mom fell and I was nominated to be the family spokesperson. Why is it always the case that the role falls on me to take care of mom’s affairs?

I want to support her but I have a feeling she doesn’t care about my needs if it prevents her from receiving what she wants. It’s my intuition bourne out of experience. I want to be better than that. I don’t want to keep a count of what I do and do only what I know will be repaid.

I’m looking forward to this experience but do I believe it will be transformative? It could be. Not sure what to expect. Having a regular meditation practice, I’m setting my sights lower and viewing this experience as a new challenge, to be fully present for whatever happens.