I’m still in the afterglow of Ke Huy Quan and Michelle Yeoh’s Oscar wins, especially Ke Huy Quan’s . There’s so much to relate to when it’s comes to Ke’s story and the comeback of his career that the Oscar win seems to represent. We all struggle in our lives at some point or another, maybe experience our own version of “Everything, Everywhere, All at Once” where our life feels overwhelming and chaotic and at other times, when we find ourselves stagnant in our lives and wonder if there is more to what it can be and how did we get here?! We can never quite know how one experience we’re having will affect our future. We’re usually too close to the present to have the full perspective of seeing the impact of our actions.

How many of us believe we are pawns of a great omnipotent puppeteer who move us around with ridiculous actions and in directions that we have no control over? It’s easier to believe you have no agency especially when it’s not successful as you imagined it should be than it is to accept responsibility for your bad decisions. Carl Jung believed that, “Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.” So the great secret is the puppeteer behind the great curtain is actually us.

Of course, it’s only a secret when you feel like the victim. But when you take responsibility for your own life for all experiences that you are part of, you become the architect and creator of your live. Most of the time unfortunately, we are unconscious of why we do what we do. And then we wonder how we got to be where we are.

We can only do our best by taking steps towards our desired outcome and hold on to faith that we’re going in the right direction. When things go well for us, it’s easy to keep our equanimity but when they don’t, we can either fall victim to despair or have the awareness to use the opportunity to practice meditation. We can stop, take a breath, and create the opportunity to take a look around and see where exactly where we are.

For as long as we’re breathing, we’re alive and there still can be opportunity for change if we take it. But patience is required because most changes take time to coalesce and produce the outcome we want. Along the way, we may not be able to see quite how the dots are all connected, and we may encounter challenges that threaten to discourage and derail us. What we think is failure in that moment in time, may just be a pause in the story that is still being written. That “failure” may well weave another beautiful thread in the tapestry of our life. The biggest travesty is when we simply get bored with the mundane tasks of anything that rand quit and move on to the next idea.

Our main task in life is to pay attention to what is happening around us, to remain curious, and to ask questions. It sounds easy but for me, it’s an intentional practice that I have to continue reminding myself to do. It takes practice to pay attention to what’s happening, to listen to what’s being said, to be here in this moment. There is so much distraction around us, so many trivial things that keep us so busy. I used to try to multi-task and would have a bunch of assignments in front of me. As a result, I would take more time trying to reorient myself to each task and I felt like a failure at the end of the day, when I realized that I only completed one or two things from my long list and doing nothing substantial. I decided one day to just accept that I have difficulty concentrating on more than one task at hand. Now I just concentrate on one task at a time and when I get them done, I have a sense of accomplishment.

Another situation is where I really enjoy writing but I’m so drowsy by the end of the day that I fall asleep at my keyboard. I was starting to wonder why I even bothered writing – I jumped to the conclusion that that I had nothing to write about, that I had nothing to share that would any value to anyone else’s life. So I stopped writing until I watch the Oscar’s and witnessed the wins of Michelle Yeoh and Ke Huy Quan. I realized I gave up partly because I didn’t create the right conditions for me to want to sit down and write and that I was resisting my body’s limits.

So I stopped writing late at night and started waking up an hour earlier to write.

I don’t know why I’ve been fighting against myself. I just wasn’t paying enough attention or asking the right questions. So simple! But maybe not so easy. Evidently.

Every morning before breakfast, I read my affirmations that line my wall and desk. For all my affirmations and I have a lot of them, sometimes I still doubt myself. The difference is that these days, I don’t perseverate as much or as long.

Last week I was dragging my feet on whether to continue on my personal journey. It didn’t help that Valentine’s was on Tuesday and the day after was the 3rd anniversary of the day my former partner and I had met. Needless to say, I had a very restless sleep.

It would be accurate to say that I didn’t imagine my life to be this way, being unpartnered at 50 and living with my sister. But then again, growing up, I didn’t dream about how I wanted my life to look like. I had no plan, apart from some amorphous desire to travel (alot) and eat well (alot) which I succeeded in doing beyond my imagination. I guess that’s why I am where I am right now — still figuring it out.

I’m dreaming a new story or at least the next few chapters of my story book life. One in which I have my own family, a supportive loving partner, and a career that is meaningful and adds value to the lives of others. All the other stuff I still desire and still want: a house overlooking the beach, financial abundance, a Manhattan apartment, house in Portugal, an electric car would be the material stuff that would be nice to have too. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not enamoured or measure my success in life by material “stuff.” I do like comfort and I do like eating well as I strive to live a meaningful life. And thank goodness, I’m easily contented.

But life is funny. You sometimes don’t get what you desperately want but instead you get what you didn’t expect and then realize it was actually what you needed. The universe turns out to be very harmonious and kind of sneaky that way. Even the twists where our lives turn makes sense, maybe not always at the moment but almost always in retrospect when with a bit of time and perspective, you’ve gained a bit more wisdom and suddenly you see how the dots connect.

Everyone is a beginner at one point in learning something new. Van Gogh once said, “I am always doing what I can’t do yet in order to learn how to do it”. Learning to live life better is a new set of skills I’m honing. I’m learning to love myself first, learning how to be a good partner when I meet my person, learning to learn.

You just have to start where you are, feel regret for the mistakes you’ve made and learn from them, and move forward. Even two steps forward and one step backward is better than standing still and going nowhere.

January 22, 2023 is Tet – the lunar new year, the year of the cat in Vietnamese culture and the year of the rabbit in Chinese culture. I’m not sure how two animals of such disparate dispositions ended up embodying the same year.

Back during my magic carpet ride in fall of 2020, I proclaimed to the universe that I was giving birth to myself. I like to think I had the idea and it took almost three years to germinate but I suspect like many of my other ideas in the past, I perseverated and procrastinated taking action. Then again, maybe I’m being hard on myself. Giving birth does require a gestation period and I’ve been going through a lot of internal work that has slowly manifested into the external world.

So today, I’m going to start being a little bit kinder to myself (ignore the first two paragraphs, I didn’t say I was perfect). When I start hearing my voice berating me in my mind, I’ll tell her that I hear her being scared that I’m not being my best self but I’m going to take care of myself and I’ll do my best. I’m here now writing on this blog that I’ve always wanted to start. I did that. That was a baby step. Next is actually putting myself out there and being truly vulnerable by sharing the existence of this blog with people. Haha! I can’t exist in anonymity anymore. It’s been fun writing to the myself but kind of lonely too.

This year will be different. Today will be different. I remind myself that each moment is unique, unknown, completely fresh. Every moment offers an opportunity for renewal, for rebirth, for transformation.

Starting 2023, I intend to move forward my ideas, intend to put myself and my ideas out there for discovery, for discussion, for scrutiny, or whatever else I’m so scared of. If people should choose to criticize me, I’ll remember that everyone has an opinion and that I can entertain their ideas or opinion but I don’t have to accept it. You can’t hook me if I’m not biting!

Reunited with eldest sister after being estranged for seven years

Big birthday milestone – 50!

Reexamined my desire for my own family

Released my sense of responsibility for mom’s happiness

Closed a chapter with Russell

Made an intention for self care/self study with registration to vipassana course (had to postpone due to mom’s fall)

Three friends diagnosed with cancer

Lessons learned:

1. Actions and Words must align to inspire trust in one self and trust with others.
2. Let go of others who are already gone.
3. Let go of my former self. I can’t go back to yesterday.
4. Don’t follow. Lead my own way.
5. Sometimes we have to retreat to reassess our position before we can move forward in the right direction.
6. Being open to new ideas doesn’t mean that I accept every idea but that I entertain them.
7. Our bodies are sacred and we need to live life fully present not knowing whether we will awaken the next day.