It was one of the most honest and difficult conversations I’ve ever had and it was with my mother.

I guess it shouldn’t be surprising. My closest relationship for years has been with my mom. It was also, however, my first codependent relationship in a line of codependent relationships. I’ve been such a relationship neophyte for so many years. The words codependence, narcissism are relatively new to me, but the dynamics of those concepts are as ingrained as brushing my teeth, or riding a bike.

In the not so distant past, the longer I stayed in my mom’s company, the more I used to dissociate myself from the circumstances.

Now while I’m acutely aware of my feelings, I struggle with what I want to do, to take care of her, do the things I do best for her with what I’m afraid to lose if I do, first and foremost my sense of self. For years, I I knew I needed to be away to live my own life so I created reasons to be away from my mother like my job and my husband but now things have shifted. My job is remote and I’m no longer married with the prospect of a relationship being unappealing currently. What ties do I have still have that draws me away from southern California? Mostly it’s emotional. The distance allows me to have more leisure time for myself to do the things I enjoy without having to rationalize where I’m going and why I’m going: to practice yoga, do recreational eating, hiking, spending time with friends. I always felt like I had to explain myself to my mom as though I had to argue why I deserved to go. Maybe she did question me when I was younger. I never thought I had a choice to just say I was going. Wow. That’s a revelation.

Anyway, my mom needs help and just as importantly, my siblings need help in helping our mom. Justin was with my mother for almost 6 weeks after being discharged from the acute rehabilitation center in late July. Because of miscommunication and lack of trust which led to hurt feelings, it created a feedback loop that would not end. It was Justin and our mom against the remaining siblings, all 8 of us and it was vicious. Threats of lawsuits, restraining orders, calls for eviction were common threads during those summer months which finally culminated in mom leaving or “escaping” (her words not mine) her home.

Being in such close proximity, in the confines of a studio hotel room with her in the last week has given me more insight into my mom’s present physical and emotional needs. I love my mom but there is only so much I can tolerate before I get cabin fever. I need to practice yoga. I need to go walking. I need to be active and move my body. Sometimes, I just need to be in another room to be able to collect my thoughts. I don’t know how my brother Justin was able to endure in the last two months on his own.

I initiated the difficult discussion with her about her desire to have me live with her in the house. It’s a familiar desire; after all, I’ve heard her repeat it enough times during the last two decades after I moved up to the bay area. I said no, in the most gentle and honest way I could. I told her that to live with her, my natural inclination would be to give everything to her and I would not be able to leave anything for myself. I needed to live freely and to fly. I couldn’t do that if I lived with her. I loved her very much and would come to visit but I could not live with her. I told her that I had deeply loved someone and had formed such a strong attachment to him and that I was still feeling the pain of it. I didn’t want to form such an attachment again; it was too painful. I believed that if I was to live with her, it would be unavoidable to build that kind of attachment again and it would not be healthy for either of us. I saw the pain in her eyes but I had to be honest. And I think she respected me for it. She said that she was asking me to give her love. I wasn’t able to give it to her so she couldn’t do anything else but just accept my decision.

Yet the longer I am here with her, the more it seems to make sense for me to consider what was once impossible – to move down to SoCal. The pros are many: I love the proximity to the beaches, the weather that allows me to wear short shorts to satisfy my vanity, and most importantly of all – my siblings. The cons are equal in number: the proximity would make it so much harder to say no to her and the hikes in nature will be limited due to suburbia, the potential constrictions on my independence, my freedom.

What I would love to do is to split my time between many residences: Oakland, my sister’s house a few miles away, and my mom’s house. The solution would give everyone space to appreciate one another when we’re together and sense of independence when we’re apart. It’s a solution that would also create detachment. Strong attachment to things, people, and places are what clouds my judgement and creates obstacles for me to move forward in my life. Strong attachments are the constant challenges that I seem to face. But currently, my apartment in Oakland is the main drain on my finances. How do I maintain it and should I? How do I achieve this nomadic life? A question to ponder…