I’m a terrible planner. I have a lot of ideas but I fail to execute a majority of them because I don’t plan. I also tend to procrastinate but I think that stems from fear of failure. If I don’t start something, I’ll never fail at it. It’s a sure way to succeed at failing. That I’m really good at.

I used to always be too much in my own head. Maybe “used to” is being a little forgiving. I tend to do that still. It’s a bad habit that I’m working at breaking. I would perseverate which ultimately means I waste a lot of time overthinking without taking any action. It’s also called paralysis by analysis and something that my previous romantic partners would be unhappy with and remind me of. I dismissed their observations in the past as them being unforgiving but now I realize how wrong I was. I’m also always late for everything I’m scheduled to be at. Being late occasionally is forgivable, being late all the time, is simply an indicator of poor planning.

The only upside is that I’m really very patient when I’m the one waiting. I could wait for hours and not be upset so long as I’m informed of the lateness. It’s my ability to emphathize with why they’re late that allows me to be patient, because goodness knows, I’ve had a lot of experience being late and then feeling guilty for it. But at some point, even I start getting crabby. I am after all human.

But it isn’t just my own inclination for tardiness that makes me more patient. I have accepted that nothing hardly ever turns out the way we predict. And even when they do, it’s never quite like we imagined. Our happiness then really hinges on our perspective. The classic half filled glass scenario. Is it half full or half empty? The former phrase reflects a perspective of abundance and the latter of scarcity.

Tonight, I was looking forward to going to yoga after a week of not going but I also wasn’t sure if I could or should go. Being with my mom, I feel very responsible for her. It’s not dissimilar to how I felt before her fall. Back then, I tried to compensate for my other sibling’s lack of interaction with her by being with her more frequently. I did it because I felt that I could help her feel better, in other words, I felt responsible for her happiness.

So I wavered in planning. I didn’t have my bag packed until the last minute. I asked Justin to be home with her and he agreed with some reluctance due to the short notice. I felt a little guilty about asking for time away and I didn’t think to inform mom until I was about to leave. I should have known. She asked me to observe and assist the caregiver in cooking and while I did tell her I would be late, I continued to stay and help with the cooking. When Justin finally came home, I jetted off. Along the way to yoga, I speeded but unfortunately, the gods decided to give me a lesson. Studio was locked by the time I arrived for the 6:30 class. I was so bummed and ticked off. My chest was feeling the heaviness. I started blaming my mom for holding me back a few minutes which could have made all the difference in making it on time. Instead of going to yoga, I headed to purchase water at Whole Foods. Mosquitos made me into a pin cushion as I was waiting and my itchiness only added to my bad humour.

Who’s the culprit/who’s to blame? I am, of course. It was disappointment in myself that I allowed myself to miss class that made me most unhappy. I have the responsibility to care of my own happiness. If something is important to me, I need to make it happen. I could ask others for their help but ultimately, it falls on me to accept the responsibility for whatever happens.

Had I set my mom’s expectations earlier that I was going to yoga, I would have felt more comfortable saying no to her request for me to stay back. Had I set expectations for myself that I was going to do my best to go to yoga, I would have given myself fifteen minutes buffer time and would have made it in time to spare. Instead I was stingy with her, projecting my own guilt and incorrectly inferring she would be unhappy that I was leaving. I was stingy with myself for not doing enough to ensure that I would practice knowing that it was healthy for me physically, mentally, emotionally.

Someone told me that he believed that the secret to happiness is just accepting the state of reality and having no expectations. I disagree. I think half the joy in life is being able to look forward to something and dream a little. Fantasize a little. Imagine what your ideal life will be and seek to manifest it. Just know that life doesn’t always work out the way you anticipate and be ready to adjust as you go. Let go of what you think should happen and embrace what shows up. Therein lies the beauty of serendipity.