Previous posts have been about love lost. Sometimes it’s easier to ruminate over what we don’t have and forget to acknowledge the love we do have.
From my magic carpet ride in 2020 (two summers ago?!), I remember saying to R with wonder in my voice, that there is love all around us. Yet why are we unhappy, plagued by mistakes we committed, unable to detach from lost love, lost success, loss in general? We don’t realize that we have a choice in what to receive and what not to receive. Our human tendency is to run after what we desire and don’t have rather than to receive what is directly in front of us. Sometimes, what we don’t have isn’t what we’re meant to have. And sometimes, what is directly in front of us all along is what we need but didn’t even realize its value until it may be too late.
In my last new year’s resolution, I promised myself that I would try to build a relationship between two estranged siblings, Justin and Chi Ha. If nothing else has happened, I can say with honesty that I tried, over and over again this year. I’ve never spoken as frequently or as much with all my siblings than this year.
My birthday this year reflected the change in my relationships to family. It was the first birthday in years which I’ve spent with family specifically with the sisters who I’m closest to. Being the half life time mark, makes this birthday even more significant. My 30th and 40th was when I was still with Troy. In the weeks preceding my 50th birthday, I was feeling some self pity that I would be spending it without a life partner. I couldn’t think of how to celebrate such a milestone but the way it evolved, it was everything it had to be. I spent it with family that I loved and who I knew supported me and we did things that elevated my spirit – hiking at the beach, my spa afternoon, eating good food and sharing laughter and good energy. Though my mom chose my birthday to have her dramatic exit from the house, I chose to not react. I drew my boundaries and didn’t allow anyone or anything mar the spirit of the day. My birthday was a quiet yet grand entry into my next fifty years where I chose to take care of myself first before I took care of other people. That would be kind of unheard of ten years ago and I would have felt guilty had I did anything like that. Now, I’m actually kind of proud of myself!