Averse to change. That’s me. This characteristic aggravated my past three romantic partners who seemed to be the opposite. T was a consultant who travelled Monday through Thursday in the first few years of our relationship. During that time, his office environment changed every few months as he was assigned to a new project at different clients. R was a teacher who was teaching at an international school. The Narcissist was a Jekyll and Hyde personality so I guess that counts, changing from meek, wide-eyed to sullen, prone to inexplicable rages and silent treatments.

Then there is me. I have worked for a state program for the last 23 years, basically my first job. I hate throwing anything anyway, always thinking there will be a use for it someday. Somehow I managed to move from a 3 bedroom house or at least my half of it without downsizing any of my stuff to sharing a two bedroom apartment. Since I was a bit of pack rat and Virgo one to boot, I made every bit of space in my room functional by putting my organization skills to work. I even installed lights with a dimmer in my closet. T would have been proud.

I think I chose my opposites as my mates because I sought those qualities that I thought I lacked. I wanted to be adaptable, nimble, and flexible. I didn’t want to be attached to one place, or things. I loved to travel except I usually dreaded the actual going part and would always contemplate cancelling my trip a few days before my departure. It was as though there was almost too much effort required for me to move from being fixed to one place to actually moving. If I lived alone, I believe I would not be going out much. I needed someone to compel me to go out, to push me. T was good at that, perpetually planning trips for us until we moved to our San Francisco house. R was a teacher overseas for whom I considered quitting and relocating. I wanted to but couldn’t in the end, however much I loved him. It was too out of character, it was too far of a reach for me at the time. Besides there were other factors involved that made me question his commitment to us as well.

Yet in the last few years, nothing has stayed the same for very long. I’ve spent the last three summers in Vermont, South Korea, and Southern California. I’ve become a nomad not by design and not because I chose to move but because of the changing circumstances in my life. My relationship with R meant I had to travel to be with him. My sense of responsibility to my mom and my siblings brought me to southern California. I was even forced to clean out my apartment because of a beetle infestation.

I’ve needed change but I’ve resisted it for so many years. Especially, now while my work is remote, which I would like to be permanent, I can be anywhere except international at least until my company’s policy changes. Unexpectedly, I like it. I like not knowing what my life is going to look like in few months. I like that I’m free to choose. I’ve always had the freedom. I think all of us do to a certain degree. Because my point of view has been so narrow and because I’ve been so afraid or unmotivated to take steps away from my comfort zone, I just didn’t know there were so many options and that I could exercise them. I realize now that you can’t do anything simply by waiting it out. There may never be a good or convenient time to make necessary changes to your life. Every change is a disruption to the status quo that will be uncomfortable. Yet it forces you to adapt, to flex some unused muscle you never even knew you had. You just need to make the first step and with each step, you gain a little more confidence to take the next step and the next step after that. Fortunately, I’ve had a lot of unexpected changes these past few years and being open to what it brings, has started a spiritual transformation that is still ongoing. If I don’t think about it too much, I would have to say it’s pretty exciting!