I’m number six of nine kids, the youngest of the first six and then the oldest of the next four. In a large family like ours, we tend to use numbers to identify ourselves. It reminds me of the Star Trek: the next Generation series. Hopefully, I didn’t just date myself. It doesn’t matter who I am talking to in my family, I can be both bossy and accommodating- I don’t always defer to the elder out of habit. Maybe I stopped doing that when I realized that as an older sister to the younger set, I really don’t always have more wisdom than they, nor do I have the right answer. I’ve learned that you have to discern wisdom from who ever can share it, from even the most unlikely people regardless of age. In fact, you can learn a lot from children if you can set aside your ego. Children, as contradictory as it may seem, have preternatural wisdom which they seem to lose as adulthood approaches and we become jaded and lose faith in magic and miracles.

In this past year I have found myself talking to all my siblings more frequently than ever before. It’s been both good and bad. It’s been advantageous since we realized we needed to reconnect in order to plan out our mother’s long term care which came sooner than we anticipated. We were lulled into complacency with our mother’s relative good health and independent living but as life always does, it gave us a rude awakening about how precious and delicate life can be. Lives can change in an instant and you can’t really plan for the abrupt change. Its disorienting and feels unfair but who decides fairness in life? Sometimes, you just have to push past the discomfort and see whether there is an other side. But no matter what, things keep changing and nothing lasts forever, good times or bad times.

Then there’s the bad. Maybe, “difficult” is a better word to describe it. There are a lot of latent conflicts in my family, with many iterations: sister with sister, brother against brother, mother against each kid at some point. It’s exhausting just to recount them. You would think there would be some overarching bond that would override the conflict, like maybe the power of love? But no. Instead there are just a lot of big gigantic egos at play, vying to be the victor. Come to think of it, ALL my siblings are strong willed. Even me. I’m just more outwardly quiet which throws people off. I think my stubbornness was borne out of necessity to stand up to the rest of my family, especially our mother.

Generally though, being the middle child of sorts, I am always seeking harmony in my life. I hate discordance, I shy away from rough or unkind language, I am gentle in manner, in speech, and in action. I seek to understand and wish to be understood. Being easy going, it’s also to be taken advantage of. You need to set and maintain boundaries and can’t be the nice guy all the time. You have to fight for what you have, otherwise, others will take what is rightfully yours. Needless to say, this part is what I’ve been working on. A lot.

The fighting part is hard. It feels unnatural to me. I’m soft by nature. Too soft. But the last few years, especially this year, I’ve been sparring, constantly sparring with my siblings. It started with T in 2019 and then in 2022, I’ve had confrontations with all eight of them (!) with varying degrees of tension and dissension. I’m getting pretty bloodied but I think I’m becoming tougher, more resilient.

Some think I am meek and passive and then I turn around and surprise them when I confront problems directly rather than avoid them. I prefer frank and honest conversations mainly because it’s more efficient. Why waste time when you can get straight to the point? I figure people who know me would know I would never be unkind on purpose. But sometimes, my words are too concise to the point of brusqueness and I have to remind myself to preface with some perfunctory niceties. I see the wisdom of practicing the norms of social etiquette especially with people who don’t know me – I am more socially aware than some give me credit for. I just sometimes choose the more straight path that can be perceived as being tactless.

Some see my accommodating nature and take me for granted or they try to bully me into submission. Kindness is not a weakness. Kindness is frequently underestimated and undervalued until you become the recipient of it in your darkest moments and you realize its healing power.

I do my best to be cooperative and collaborate and my patience can be legendary but I’m only human. I do have my limits. The inner lioness can come out unbidden when she’s being constantly provoked undeservedly. During the rare times I lose my temper, my sense of remorse is swift. My anger is short-lived only to be replaced with disappointment in myself for having lost my peace of mind. When there is a cause that I’m passionate about that tests my sense of justice, such as taking care of our mom, the inner lioness makes her presence known with more grace. She speaks calmly and with resonance because she is speaking her truth.

I know my inner lioness is here. If she doesn’t respect you, she doesn’t care how you think of her. She does her own thing. And please don’t go keep poking at me or take advantage, thinking I’m so sweet and passive. My inner lioness will very well just pay you a visit.