Attachment Style

How am I only now learning about attachment styles? Having the vocabulary to frame our experiences helps us make sense of our world. Knowledge is power and by better understanding our nature, we can modify our behavior to cultivate healthier dynamics in our relationships.

So I guess as with everything, it’s better late than never to learn about something that can only help my relationships. At least now, I can view my past relationships in a completely different perspective, helping me develop healthier dynamics in my next one.

I first started hearing about attachment styles on a recent podcast of “How to Do Hard Things” with Glennon Doyle and Abby Wambach. My individual therapy has opened me up to all sorts of self reflection and insight. I’m loving the podcasts. It’s reassuring to know that I’m not a freak of nature – that there are valid reasons for why I am the way I am!

So what are attachment styles and why is it meaningful to me as an adult?

The attachment theory was first developed by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth and postulated that we are all born with an attachment system designed to have our needs met by connecting with our caregiver, usually our parents. Our emotional bond formed during our earliest relationships between us as an infant and our caregiver, in my case, my mother does contribute to how we perceive our close relationships and in turn influence our ability to interact in stable relationships with others. There are essentially four attachment styles: secure, insecure, avoidant, and disorganized. They’re usually represented on a continuum with secure being near the middle (or as close to the middle if there were five data points). And they way we form attachment to others in our adult relationships is plastic and can change dependent on the attachment styles of the person we are engaged in relationship with. Which means, there’s hope for us!

The original research was based on seeing how babies responded to parents in different scenarios including as the parents left the room and when they returned. Curiously, even babies can be overstimulated and need a break from their caregiver. As expected, evidence showed an elevated level of cortisol, the primary stress hormone, for babies who showed they wanted comforting. Unexpectedly, babies who seemed to respond with indifference also showed an equally elevated level of cortisol. The findings suggested that all babies regardless of the superficial appearance of the response, react similarly biochemically. They just manifested their responses differently. The two key concepts underlying the attachment theory hinges on the role of the primary caregiver in the baby’s first year life. They provide 1) a secure base from which the child explores the world and 2) a safe haven to which the child can return for comfort from discomfort and stress. To put it simply, without this early model of relationship of security and safety, children may have difficulty in forming healthy relationships outside of the caregiver and extending into adulthood.

Fortunately, for those of us who do not have a secure attachment style, our attachment systems can change if we are aware of our behaviors of reacting and who we choose to partner with.

As adults in relationships, healthy attachments take work. While some of us avoid conflict because we fear it’s too hard, all healthy relationships will at some point have conflict. In fact, it’s normal and healthy to have conflict. There’s an amazing statistic that blew my mind. Seventy percent of the time in our relationships we will have some type of conflict. It makes sense. As adults coming together in a relationship, we have so much life experience to share. It’s illogical to believe that harmony will prevail all the time. Conflict may lead to rupture of the relationship but it doesn’t have to be long lasting or permanent. The key is what we do in the remaining thirty percent of the time when we don’t have a conflict – we repair the rupture. Learning how to effectively repair a rupture is key to transforming conflict into an opportunity for deepening our relationship. So the lesson is that we should not only accept conflict, we should embrace conflict knowing that in our battle, we can grow closer to the people in our lives as long as we work on effectively repairing the rupture. My goodness. It’s life affirming to know that I can have conflicts, can fix them, and have healthier relationships.

The idea of having a conflict used to frighten me and I would avoid it like the plague. I recently read a quote from Gandhi, “A “No” uttered from the deepest conviction is better than a “Yes” merely uttered to please, or worse, to avoid trouble.” When we say “Yes” and we don’t mean it, we’re not expressing our true selves. If we say “no” to the ones we love, we risk disappointing people even as we are satisfying our true needs. But we are not responsible for how other people respond and feel. Life is hard enough without taking on a burden that we are not meant to shoulder. We can only be responsible for ourselves, we can only be in control of our own actions.

So be honest when we’re not sure and say “maybe” or “no for now”. Or when we don’t agree, be courageous and say no and perhaps risk conflict. But for goodness sakes, communicate so that others can hear you. Have the conversation for why we feel as we do. Even our soulmates can’t read our minds.

As I’ve learned the painful way, saying “yes” just to please someone else is to compromise yourself and that in the end, only chips away our self esteem, self respect, makes us smaller until we no longer may be able to recognize ourselves. And that dear friends is the opposite way to live our short life on this beautiful earth.

https://lindsaybraman.com/rupture-repair-attachment/

Being Grateful to Everyone and Everything

I’m still in the afterglow of Ke Huy Quan and Michelle Yeoh’s Oscar wins, especially Ke Huy Quan’s . There’s so much to relate to when it’s comes to Ke’s story and the comeback of his career that the Oscar win seems to represent. We all struggle in our lives at some point or another, maybe experience our own version of “Everything, Everywhere, All at Once” where our life feels overwhelming and chaotic and at other times, when we find ourselves stagnant in our lives and wonder if there is more to what it can be and how did we get here?! We can never quite know how one experience we’re having will affect our future. We’re usually too close to the present to have the full perspective of seeing the impact of our actions.

How many of us believe we are pawns of a great omnipotent puppeteer who move us around with ridiculous actions and in directions that we have no control over? It’s easier to believe you have no agency especially when it’s not successful as you imagined it should be than it is to accept responsibility for your bad decisions. Carl Jung believed that, “Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.” So the great secret is the puppeteer behind the great curtain is actually us.

Of course, it’s only a secret when you feel like the victim. But when you take responsibility for your own life for all experiences that you are part of, you become the architect and creator of your live. Most of the time unfortunately, we are unconscious of why we do what we do. And then we wonder how we got to be where we are.

We can only do our best by taking steps towards our desired outcome and hold on to faith that we’re going in the right direction. When things go well for us, it’s easy to keep our equanimity but when they don’t, we can either fall victim to despair or have the awareness to use the opportunity to practice meditation. We can stop, take a breath, and create the opportunity to take a look around and see where exactly where we are.

For as long as we’re breathing, we’re alive and there still can be opportunity for change if we take it. But patience is required because most changes take time to coalesce and produce the outcome we want. Along the way, we may not be able to see quite how the dots are all connected, and we may encounter challenges that threaten to discourage and derail us. What we think is failure in that moment in time, may just be a pause in the story that is still being written. That “failure” may well weave another beautiful thread in the tapestry of our life. The biggest travesty is when we simply get bored with the mundane tasks of anything that rand quit and move on to the next idea.

Our main task in life is to pay attention to what is happening around us, to remain curious, and to ask questions. It sounds easy but for me, it’s an intentional practice that I have to continue reminding myself to do. It takes practice to pay attention to what’s happening, to listen to what’s being said, to be here in this moment. There is so much distraction around us, so many trivial things that keep us so busy. I used to try to multi-task and would have a bunch of assignments in front of me. As a result, I would take more time trying to reorient myself to each task and I felt like a failure at the end of the day, when I realized that I only completed one or two things from my long list and doing nothing substantial. I decided one day to just accept that I have difficulty concentrating on more than one task at hand. Now I just concentrate on one task at a time and when I get them done, I have a sense of accomplishment.

Another situation is where I really enjoy writing but I’m so drowsy by the end of the day that I fall asleep at my keyboard. I was starting to wonder why I even bothered writing – I jumped to the conclusion that that I had nothing to write about, that I had nothing to share that would any value to anyone else’s life. So I stopped writing until I watch the Oscar’s and witnessed the wins of Michelle Yeoh and Ke Huy Quan. I realized I gave up partly because I didn’t create the right conditions for me to want to sit down and write and that I was resisting my body’s limits.

So I stopped writing late at night and started waking up an hour earlier to write.

I don’t know why I’ve been fighting against myself. I just wasn’t paying enough attention or asking the right questions. So simple! But maybe not so easy. Evidently.

Start Where You are

Every morning before breakfast, I read my affirmations that line my wall and desk. For all my affirmations and I have a lot of them, sometimes I still doubt myself. The difference is that these days, I don’t perseverate as much or as long.

Last week I was dragging my feet on whether to continue on my personal journey. It didn’t help that Valentine’s was on Tuesday and the day after was the 3rd anniversary of the day my former partner and I had met. Needless to say, I had a very restless sleep.

It would be accurate to say that I didn’t imagine my life to be this way, being unpartnered at 50 and living with my sister. But then again, growing up, I didn’t dream about how I wanted my life to look like. I had no plan, apart from some amorphous desire to travel (alot) and eat well (alot) which I succeeded in doing beyond my imagination. I guess that’s why I am where I am right now — still figuring it out.

I’m dreaming a new story or at least the next few chapters of my story book life. One in which I have my own family, a supportive loving partner, and a career that is meaningful and adds value to the lives of others. All the other stuff I still desire and still want: a house overlooking the beach, financial abundance, a Manhattan apartment, house in Portugal, an electric car would be the material stuff that would be nice to have too. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not enamoured or measure my success in life by material “stuff.” I do like comfort and I do like eating well as I strive to live a meaningful life. And thank goodness, I’m easily contented.

But life is funny. You sometimes don’t get what you desperately want but instead you get what you didn’t expect and then realize it was actually what you needed. The universe turns out to be very harmonious and kind of sneaky that way. Even the twists where our lives turn makes sense, maybe not always at the moment but almost always in retrospect when with a bit of time and perspective, you’ve gained a bit more wisdom and suddenly you see how the dots connect.

Everyone is a beginner at one point in learning something new. Van Gogh once said, “I am always doing what I can’t do yet in order to learn how to do it”. Learning to live life better is a new set of skills I’m honing. I’m learning to love myself first, learning how to be a good partner when I meet my person, learning to learn.

You just have to start where you are, feel regret for the mistakes you’ve made and learn from them, and move forward. Even two steps forward and one step backward is better than standing still and going nowhere.

Happy Galentine’s Day

That’s what my sister toasted to me on Valentine’s Day. That was the first time, I’ve heard of that rewording. Truth be told, I kept thinking she was garbling her words as she repeated it to me. But I like it. I wonder if there’s a male equivalent, “Guylentine’s” though I highly doubt it. Galentine’s Day is more about showing love and appreciation for gal pals, besties, sisters in life, ourselves. I don’t see guys gathering doing pedicures and manicures and drinking champagne like my sister and I did last year. But then again a night of self care and bonding in a guy’s world might be hanging out to play board games, drinking beer, and having it labeled as simply a guy’s night out.

It’s been a long time since I haven’t been partnered up or not dating anyone on Valentine’s Day. It feels slightly foreign to me.

During the afternoon, I walked around Oakland passing pedestrians carrying bouquets or boxes of flowers to be delivered to their beloved. Arizmendi’s special Valentines’ pastries were almost sold out by noon. I triumphantly managed to score one of the last. Floral shops were buzzing with energy as customers flocked around the grand masters as they did their artistry with flowers. Driving through Berkeley, seeing young kids (ok, they were probably college kids) with bouquets in hand, tugged at my heart. Somehow their youth made it seem especially poignant and sweet, that they cared or hadn’t yet become cynical about love.

But then Valentine’s Day isn’t just about romantic love, it’s also about extending platonic love and affection to our friends and even our family. We knew this in elementary school as we passed Valentine cards to each other, among boys and girls alike. It was all very democratic in a way, and I remember doing an inventory at the end of the school day counting my Valentine cards and my candy hearts like I did at Halloween after treat or treating. It was fun and lighthearted. Yet somehow as adults our view of Valentine’s Day has narrowed as we grew older and our capacity to share love beyond our intimate relationships seemed to have gotten smaller and smaller. Similar to other holidays that have been commercialized like Mother’s Day and Father’s Day, Valentine’s seems to have its own niche audience. Most attention is directed towards romantic partners and lovers and there is little space for singles. No wonder, we lose sight of the most neglected love of all on this holiday – self love.

As Oscar Wilde once said, “To love oneself is the beginning of a life long romance.” How we love ourselves is how we teach others to love us – gently with loving kindness, compassion, and without judgement. For some of us, it’s innate. For others like me, it takes a lot of unlearning to start learning the right way. This year, I embraced Galentine’s Day and bought flowers for myself and I got exactly what I wanted. That was kind of an awesome feeling.

2023 – Year of the Cat/Rabbit and My rebirth

January 22, 2023 is Tet – the lunar new year, the year of the cat in Vietnamese culture and the year of the rabbit in Chinese culture. I’m not sure how two animals of such disparate dispositions ended up embodying the same year.

Back during my magic carpet ride in fall of 2020, I proclaimed to the universe that I was giving birth to myself. I like to think I had the idea and it took almost three years to germinate but I suspect like many of my other ideas in the past, I perseverated and procrastinated taking action. Then again, maybe I’m being hard on myself. Giving birth does require a gestation period and I’ve been going through a lot of internal work that has slowly manifested into the external world.

So today, I’m going to start being a little bit kinder to myself (ignore the first two paragraphs, I didn’t say I was perfect). When I start hearing my voice berating me in my mind, I’ll tell her that I hear her being scared that I’m not being my best self but I’m going to take care of myself and I’ll do my best. I’m here now writing on this blog that I’ve always wanted to start. I did that. That was a baby step. Next is actually putting myself out there and being truly vulnerable by sharing the existence of this blog with people. Haha! I can’t exist in anonymity anymore. It’s been fun writing to the myself but kind of lonely too.

This year will be different. Today will be different. I remind myself that each moment is unique, unknown, completely fresh. Every moment offers an opportunity for renewal, for rebirth, for transformation.

Starting 2023, I intend to move forward my ideas, intend to put myself and my ideas out there for discovery, for discussion, for scrutiny, or whatever else I’m so scared of. If people should choose to criticize me, I’ll remember that everyone has an opinion and that I can entertain their ideas or opinion but I don’t have to accept it. You can’t hook me if I’m not biting!

2023 – TRUST

My word for the year that will define my experiences in the year 2023 is … TRUST.

I intend to TRUST myself, to TRUST my intuition, to TRUST my feelings.

I want the word to be spelled in all caps to emphasize how critical I believe that particular action is for my survival. I’m not being melodramatic by saying it’s critical for my survival. I’ve dissociated too many times and lost myself too many times not to understand how trusting myself is key to living my life authentically and fully in the present.

I will aspire to believe in myself, that I am capable of great things, and to not fall into depths of self doubt or criticism if I should fail along the way.

from marcandangel:

“It’s not too late.

You aren’t behind.

You’re exactly where you need to be.

Every step is necessary.

Don’t judge or berate yourself for how long your journey is taking.

We all need our own time to travel our own distance.

Give yourself credit. And be thankful you made it this far.”

2022 – a year in reflection

Reunited with eldest sister after being estranged for seven years

Big birthday milestone – 50!

Reexamined my desire for my own family

Released my sense of responsibility for mom’s happiness

Closed a chapter with Russell

Made an intention for self care/self study with registration to vipassana course (had to postpone due to mom’s fall)

Three friends diagnosed with cancer

Lessons learned:

  1. Actions and Words must align to inspire trust in one self and trust with others.
  2. Let go of others who are already gone.
  3. Let go of my former self. I can’t go back to yesterday.
  4. Don’t follow. Lead my own way.
  5. Sometimes we have to retreat to reassess our position before we can move forward in the right direction.
  6. Being open to new ideas doesn’t mean that I accept every idea but that I entertain them.
  7. Our bodies are sacred and we need to live life fully present not knowing whether we will awaken the next day.

What is happiness?

I’m going to revisit this topic repeatedly. When someone asks me if I am happy, I am left flummoxed. It’s such a complicated question that can’t be answered with a yes or no. For me, it’s usually a qualified answer as well. I am happy right now but yesterday, oh boy, I’ll tell you about yesterday….

We tend to feel that when things go our way, we’re happy. When we buy that new car, that new house in the neighborhood, that new dress, when we get that promotion we’ve been working so hard towards, we have that sense of accomplishment and the feelings of elation that we did what we sought to do.

But how long do those feelings of happiness last before we start looking towards something new and different?

Happiness is feeling content with what we have and not craving for more. For most of us, it’s a temporary state of being before we become dissatisfied and start feeling like something is missing.

Why should there be a void? Why do those feelings of contentment leave us?

I was feeling happy being here in this cafe, being in this lovely garden surrounded by people speaking in pleasant tones enjoying their friends, family, good food. With music that seemed to waft overhead as though dancing slowly. I felt safe and secure and settled.

But for someone who doesn’t like coffee, they would have thought my latte was too bitter. For someone who enjoys frugality, my $5 coffee would have been overpriced. For someone who was wearing a t-shirt and from Florida, sitting outside in 55 degree temperature would have been too uncomfortable. We alone decide how we will respond to our circumstances and sometimes, most times, it’s not even a fully conscious decision. We may be reacting subconsciously based on our conditioning from past experiences with our family, friends, parents, coworkers, strangers, marketing and advertisements

Happiness is within our control. Being content with what we have is within our control. It’s about attitude and expectation and managing both.

2023 – New Year, New Start

Jan 3, 2023

A year has flown by. After my mom fell in June of 2022, time seem to pass in spurts marked by a new challenge presenting itself almost every day, except that they weren’t actually new. They were long standing conflicts, resentment and bitterness buried in shallow graves only to be unearthed by the slightest unsettling of the status quo. It was my mom’s fall that started everything, brought everyone back, brought siblings talking to each other again.

We had a plan for our mother, believing that the best situation for her and for her children was to place her in a home. She of course had other plans. Every step towards our plan was thwarted. For someone who is as physically impaired as my mother, my mother does an impressive job of maintaining her agency. She is still making her own decisions, whether or not it benefits the rest of us, be damned.

You have to respect my mom. She’s a survivor. She’s got resilience. She has determination. But just because I respect her doesn’t mean I have to be an active participant in her life. She can make decisions about her life and I will make decisions about mine.

This year will be about me. Does that sound self centered? I certainly hope so.

Being happy

To be happy, to enjoy life does not mean that our lives is free of troubles. In fact, it is in knowing grief and sadness, that I’ve come to have a deeper understanding of the meaning of happiness.

As an adult, being happy is an intentional act of bravery. We are trusting ourselves to make the correct choice for ourselves and for others. It means that we must choose ourselves first, we must decide that our life is worthy of taking care of, worthy of nurturing, worthy of loving. When we decide that we are important, we decide where to focus our attention and manage our energy.

The words self care is in the vernacular a lot these days since the pandemic started. Having spent time during the pandemic, mostly in seclusion and sometimes with a select few, our “pod”, managing the energy in our relationships to each other, and to ourselves has become more intentional. How we make ourselves available or not to others has become weighty decisions usually made after much consideration.

For me, I’m a natural introvert. I enjoy getting to know people individually or in small groups and chatting with strangers is not unusual for me but spending time at parties where I know few is where I feel most ill at ease. The pandemic gave me a reprieve from being socially awkward by giving me a socially acceptable justification for declining invitations to gatherings. I didn’t have to feel guilty for saying no, didn’t have to feel like I disappointed anyone. Most importantly, it gave me a reason to not make my monthly trips down to see my mother. It provided me space from my mother that I didn’t know I even needed.

The idea of giving ourselves love and care took me while to get used to. Initially, it seemed self centered and even selfish to take time and care for myself. I grew up taking care of my siblings and my mother and somehow along the way, I came to expect myself to do it. I took on responsibilities that no other siblings took and I came to think that it was my responsibility to compensate for the lack of that I perceived from my siblings. As time went on, my siblings were happy to relinquish their involvement to me and my mom reinforced my behavior boosting me to a favored position in the family hierarchy. And now many years later, I realize how backward I’ve been when I thought I was so smart. I wasn’t smart. I was just feeling righteous and judging others for taking care of themselves.

I had no idea what I wanted. I just followed my mom and anyone who had a stronger voice. I was a people pleaser to the max. It was a lot easier than figuring out what I wanted but over time, this wore away my spirit. I began to feel something was lacking but I couldn’t figure out what. But luckily, along the way, I started deciphering what I knew what I didn’t want. I knew I didn’t want to be in the shadow of my partner – I wanted to shine in my own light. I knew that I would be unhappy having a life that was centered around taking care of my mom, knew I was unhappy being verbally abused by her. I was finally able to name it for what it was rather than rationalize her treatment of me was acceptable.

I am learning to cultivate a loving relationship with myself, being kind to myself when I fail, giving myself grace when I unwittingly hurt others, holding myself to the highest ideals, knowing that I am committed to being a work in progress and forgiving myself for being imperfect.

I realized that others only treated me the same way I was treating myself. I never expected anything more than what I received.

Each one of us must make a choice as to whether our life is worth living, a life that follows our values, one that we believe in. Life is too short to live someone else’s dreams or to delay living my own dreams because someone thinks that they don’t follow their agenda.

Being happy happens when my values and my actions align and I know by my gut feelings when I’m off the path. The beauty is in paying attention.