In the summer of 2020, I took a magic carpet flight. I was at one with the divine, felt the love that surrounds us all, and gave birth to myself all along singing in harmony with Spirit.
Well now it’s Summer of 2022, and I think I’m at the toddler stage. I’m wobbling on some unsteady legs, sometimes crashing to the ground, but I keep pushing myself up, take a couple steps forward, maybe a couple back, and then there I go again, crashing down on my bottom.
I’ve lived the first 49 years of my life constantly questioning whether whatever I was doing was in the direction of success. Most of the time was spent questioning, ruminating, and not doing, afraid of making mistakes. I don’t know what I’ve accomplished up to now. It all seems so trivial and insignificant. What really have I done? If I was to die tomorrow, for what would I be remembered?
Looking back, I realize my vision of success was constrained by a narrow perspective that had been honed through my mom’s expectations. Success to my mother could be distilled into distinct markers: becoming a doctor, owning a house near the beach, and owning a SUV preferably a Lexus or BMW. I didn’t have any of them. By my mom’s standards, I would have been labeled a failure. I was usually simultaneously amused and slightly annoyed whenever she seemed to console by reassuring me that a spiritually full life would be more rewarding than one with material riches. For a self proclaimed spiritual person, I always wondered why she seemed so contradictory in her perspectives. But like a good daughter, I was silent and agreeable whenever I disagreed with her views which my mom interpreted as being submissive and malleable.
The pandemic created the boundary that I never even knew I needed to have with my mother. It’s given me the mental and physical space to allow me to slowly mentally and emotionally untangle myself from her. At the age of 49, I’m finally learning about myself like I’ve been a stranger.
Who was I without my mother? Frankly, pretty lost in the beginning. I tried to channel her voice, and live by her wisdom but mostly I felt like I was wandering in the dark. But slowly, I am gaining some balance and trust by listening to myself, sometimes surprising myself with nuggets of wisdom gleaned from my own experience.
My mother always urged me that as a virtuous person, I needed to guide my siblings on the right path. And so I did, sometimes reluctantly and other times righteously, dispensing my “advice” with words like “should”, “need to” which implied that I knew what was the proper way to do things. I was a know it all and for my arrogance, I usually got rebuffed, especially when I applied this approach to my older siblings.
The longer I was separated from my mother, the more I realized that as much as I thought I knew about life, that there was infinitely more that I didn’t. I’m such a neophyte and so naive. Who was I to tell my siblings what to do? My mom barely could do that with her kids. I could only share my experience with others and let them decide for themselves if there was any wisdom that they could gain. Whether they chose the path I thought was best for them, was up to them.
I think most people mistaken listening intently as an admission of ignorance, that you’re acknowledging that you don’t know something that you’re expected to already know. The insecure person will insist indignantly that they already know (usually to hide the fact that they don’t). If you don’t know something and yet you’re given the knowledge, receive it gladly and give thanks. That knowledge can be a gift! Why are we so scared to show some vulnerability? It’s a sign of strength when you don’t feel the need to prove that you know everything, because you know intrinsicly that there is more to your character than what is lacking. it’s ok not to know everything, or even forget what you knew. Don’t let your ego get in the way of learning something new or of value. It takes humility to admit that you don’t know something. It’s only when we admit to ourselves that we need something or someone, are we then able to be open to receive what we lack.
Perhaps, you truly do already have the knowledge and yet it’s given to you as though you didn’t. Show your inner grace and simply smile and give thanks. You’ve been blessed to receive the gift again. The universe just sent you another reminder to be humble.
That summer day when I took my magic carpet flight was like the Big Bang. It was the impetus for my growth after being in a period of homeostasis. Just as our cells are constantly dying and renewing and being reborn, each day is new and full of unlimited potential to create something new. We may have a schedule planned but how the day will turn out is beyond our control. Leaving room for spontaneity gives us space to accept what the universe can give us. In that uncertainty, there is opportunity for spiritual growth if we allow ourselves to change and adapt to the circumstances. It’s up to us to decide how we view change. Do we see it as a disruption to our familiar and safe routine or do we see it as an opportunity for something better? Everything we do is a choice we make, if only we pay attention and remain aware. Nothing happens without our consent. When we act with intention and attention, we create what we desire and we can affect positive change in our lives. It is a power that we all have.
Exercise that power not just once but over and over. And you’ll soon see you are your own creator.