8.1.2022. It takes a lot of mental endurance to persevere against constant abuse. I need emotional support to remind me that no, it’s not acceptable and yes, I do deserve better.
Most of us think feelings arise beyond our control. We believe that emotions can sometimes get the better of us and we are led by emotions. But we are in control. We attach feelings to our experiences. What most of us don’t realize is that we can even decide which feelings to attach.
Victor Frankl theorized that, “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”
A buddhist monk advised me that to bear the verbal abuse from my mother, I needed to remember that her words are like words from an insane person who know not what they speak. And perhaps one day, when my training is more advanced, I would hear her words but see the words for what they were, gossamer, without real substance. Until then, I would need to reframe the experience from being painful to simply being, neither good nor bad.
Today, though I couldn’t help myself. I was feeling quite sad. Earlier in the week, my mother had accused me of intentionally causing mischief and creating a climate at the rehab center in which the administration would want my mother to leave. It was quite the opposite of my intention. I have only wanted her to recover and to return to her fully mobile self. To hear her accusations to the contrary were extremely hurtful. I expected better more from my mother. I’m not sure more of what. Maybe more understanding and compassion that she willingly doles out to strangers and homeless people than to her own children.
I’ve tried to understand my mom’s motivations, why she behaves why does. But usually, I’m left frustrated and flummoxed and leave the rationalization behind. In the end, I’m left with seeing these experiences with my mother as a sort of trial like a wildfire rushing through the canyons. And just like during the summer season when the wildfires are relentlessly blowing cinders every which way, I’m going to stand my ground and watch the sparks fly by and live according to my highest ideals of integrity, honesty, patience, and Love. I’ll reframe the situation or I stay aware of my feelings while simultaneously detaching from them, thereby becoming intentional with everything that I do.
But given how things are going, I’m going to need some fireproof gear and get the h*ll out of dodge, before the fire comes down the hill. Better to avoid the problem than to think I can fight a firestorm like my mom with a fire extinguisher.