As the world opens up more and more, it feels like the pandemic was a distant dream unless you go to Berkeley. There you’ll see customers in grocery stores diligently wearing their N-95’s or their surgical masks. You’ll even see some random drivers in their cars, sitting alone yet wearing a face mask. Your first inclination is to laugh and maybe lightly mock them but then you catch yourself doing the same thing. You realize it’s easier to wear a facemask everywhere rather than forgetting it when you need it or it becomes a fixture on your face and you forget you’re even wearing it. But for the most part, the world seems to have moved on until someone like the Queen of Denmark tests positive the day after attending Queen Elizabeth’s funeral and you see a photo of all the world dignitaries (with their heads encircled) marking their proximity to the Queen. Whoops. Everyone in that photo is probably regretting not having worn a face mask right about now.
In any case, you’ll likely find yourself being invited soon to gatherings like weddings and parties especially as the fall turns into winter and holidays commence. If you’re anything like me, you look forward to social gatherings with anticipation, dread, and anxiety.
I’ve never use to label myself as an introvert or extrovert. According to the few personality tests I’ve taken, I’m apparently more of an introvert but I can function in large gatherings. Just as an advance warning, don’t be taken aback by my directness. Sometimes, I want to be efficient and concise in my communication and I understand it can be misinterpreted. If you’re being kind, you can say I’m blunt. If you don’t want to believe in my good intentions, you can interpret my forthrightness as being tactless. Honestly, I rarely mean to hurt anyone’s feelings intentionally. So please try not to take it as a personal offense.
But enough of the preemptive apologies. My former partner described me as being “aspy” which was our code word for having characteristics that are on the “Asperger’s spectrum”. Key idea is that Asperger’s describes a spectrum of attributes ranging from minimal to maximum manifestation. I’ve never been assessed so I don’t know where I fall in the spectrum. But after having made aware of my tendencies, I try to adapt to the various settings I find myself in whether it be work or social related. I’m comfortable finally with who and how I am, but I’m aware that others may not be especially if they’re judging me from a perspective of a normal person. As my sister-in-law observed, I am definitely not normal or typical. Spend an hour or two with me and either you’ll like me a lot or you are very uncomfortable in my company. I seem to elicit the extreme reactions from people but that’s just me.
So, if you are introverted or aspy or both like me and you would like to engage in social settings with more ease, here are some of my tips cultivated from much experience, trial and error.
Tip #1: Be engaged or at least give the cues that indicate you are engaged.
Even when I don’t have something to contribute, a simple, “oh really”, “hmm”, “That’s very insightful” shows some engagement.
When the topic turns towards something you have no interest in, change the subject. But do it subtly.
However, don’t, simply don’t just zone out and mentally start reorganizing your closet or plan next week’s schedule in your head. People don’t have to be super astute to notice that you’re not paying attention. You might think that being a wallflower in a group is easy to pull off but you never know when you need to have their audience again. Better to set the best impression when any opportunity arises.
At the very minimum, before the conversation or discussion ends, make a comment. This applies to parties, conference calls, meetings, any gathering. Make your presence known at least once. A thoughtful comment is ideal but if you don’t have anything novel to add, rephrase or elaborate on what someone else has said, but have an opinion preferably one that can be backed up with some rationale. Otherwise, you may come across as a dilettante and that’s worse than being seen as disinterested.
Tip #2: Approach a cluster of people you don’t know.
This approach takes a bit of gumption but don’t talk yourself out of it. Almost everyone is nervous about talking to a group of strangers. Just go ahead and do it. The first time will be the hardest but it gets easier with practice.
Edge yourself into an existing circle of people, hopefully next to someone who you’ve made eye contact early on. Nod. Make eye contact with someone else you don’t know. Smile. Listen. Follow Tip #1.
Is there anything you can add? Ask a question, “May I ask what the debate is about?” Turn to your left. Ask a question inquiring about the other person, “So what brings you to So. Korea?” And do wait for a pause to interject. Don’t interrupt the conversation, to redirect an ongoing conversation. Otherwise, you’re just rude and an interloper.
Tip #3: Set boundaries.
When you first meet someone, set expectations and make it known to them. Rather than giving some fictitious story about an impending deadline, for an important project for example, be forth right and honest.
Start at the beginning of the conversation and somehow, drop hints that you’re an introvert such as you like spending time alone, you have limited mental breadth for socializing, etc.
“Oh, I kind of dread these things (parties) since I’m such an introvert.”
“I’ve loved working from home. It’s the introvert in me”.
C. Plan your departure
By now, you should be kind of aware of how much social interaction feels good to you and when you start feeling a little drained or when you’re aware of how hard you’re trying to keep an interaction going. That’s when it’s time to exit. But how? You really want to cut the conversation or whatever is left of it and jet out but that sometimes leaves a decidedly not a very good impression. Even if the other party is dull as white bread, you don’t have to be the person to burst their ego. Mastering your departure (yes, it does take some planning) takes some practice.
If you haven’t quite built up the courage to be plainspoken, you can mention that you have limited time to spend because you have an important deadline looming. It doesn’t have to be specific. Just enough details to give the impression that you think it was worthwhile coming despite your schedule. It gives both the impression to your audience that their time is wisely spent too and that your presence is appreciated.
Most importantly, leave when you intend to. Even when things are going well and you’re actually enjoying yourself, skedaddle. One, you don’t want to reveal that you stretched the truth earlier and 2) you want to leave on a high note. There’s also more reason for you to attend another outing or meeting or better yet plan one to host! Make your goodbyes short and sincere thanking the host for the invitation and their hospitality.
Doing the French leave. This approach is when you simply slip out without any formal goodbyes. This is the cleanest and most efficient departure method and most convenient in a large to medium party. Most people will think you’ve stepped out for a call or to use the powder room. This will avoid the lengthy and trailing goodbyes and niceties. This type of leave gives you an air of mystery without giving anyone cause for questioning why you’re leaving when you do. They’ll simply assume they missed you as you departed. And if you’re asked later why you left without saying goodbye, you can simply say that you were intending to but noticed they were already occupied.
But I have to confess, I haven’t yet artfully practiced the French leave. It’s the innate Miss Manners in me that still scolds me for even considering leaving a gathering without expressing my thanks and gratitude to the host. Having seen or rather learned about this method from other people, I secretly envy them. It shows a lot of confidence to execute. Actually, having said that emboldens me a bit. Don’t be surprised at the next party I go to and you wonder to where I suddenly disappeared, you’ll be in the know…
